Years Go By...

Things change, yet they don't!

Funny how I still connect with some of the things I've ranted about, and not so much on some other things.

Anyway, to newer, nerdier days for the blog :)

Expectation Theory

This is totally arbit - and not intended for you to understand (However, if you do see a method to this madness then Yayy!)

There are relationships - all kinds of them. All it takes is one common interest - one little time of need - one little 'bitching' session - one little going-beyond-expected for there to be a real bond. And its great. Great to have people who care for you - great to feel wanted - great to feel respected - great to know they might do anything for you?

Nope. Don't believe that. There is no 'unconditionality'. There are 'times' and there are 'states of mind'. When these two variables continuously evolve, a static equilibrium is all but impossible - bleeding money is inevitable with an option. Add to this the Agency problems (of lets say, maximising your own value), and you can all but kiss your positive NPV dreams goodbye. There are definitely no 'economies of scale' in the picture and diversification is a cruel joke with all your projects being perfectly 'positively' correlated - if anything down you hit might just get worse with increasing numbers (they should coin a term for that - Ooh Beta greater than 1?? Nope inherent correlation with the market is still present :P). (I still am talking about relationships :D)

So then, is not investing the best way? Well, yes and no. Maybe cut the scale down to one, maybe two? Perhaps. And then be done? No - if only life were that simple. Maybe for one, the risk-reward, though rough n crazy, might still be hugely beneficial. With two, you get dizzy. And then, 'erm what was I saying?' :). So for the rest of the world, we build our walls - cut our losses, look for the positive - and most important of all - defy expectation theory. Do what you would do anyway - and not expect a return (Yes, Markowitz would certainly turn in his grave, if he is dead i.e.) and Live. Walls help rationality and rationality at the very least offer an illusion of control. Control helps sanity. And sanity helps success. Success helps happiness (Yayy :|). Course, walls are an expense - and I would absorb it into cost of the one positive NPV project that I just 'might' consider. Oh and beware of the 'Gail Wynand Syndrome' (Of Ayn Rand's 'FountainHead' fame) - Never mistake the 'conditional approval' of the masses for 'control' over them.

One a 'slightly' tangential note - I think Pink Floyd's Wall was fantastic - especially the 'The Trial'. A few of my favourite excerpts:

Good morning, Worm your honor.
The crown will plainly show
The prisoner who now stands before you
Was caught red-handed showing feelings!!
Showing feelings of an almost human nature;
This will not do. Call the schoolmaster!

I always said he'd come to no good
In the end your honor.
If they'd let me have my way I could
Have flayed him into shape.
But my hands were tied,
The bleeding hearts and artists
Let him get away with murder.
Let me hammer him today?

.
.
.

The evidence before the court is Incontrovertible,
there's no need for The jury to retire.
In all my years of judging
I have never heard before
Of someone more deserving
Of the full penalty of law.
The way you made them suffer,
Your exquisite wife and mother,
Fills me with the urge to defecate!

Since, my friend,
you have revealed your Deepest fear,
I sentence you to be exposed before
Your peers.

Tear down the wall!

:))

The Pursuit of the Elusive Illusion

Me thinks: What was i thinking when I named this blog?
Me thinks (in response):
Life is an elusive illusion. You always crave for something thats just beyond your reach. That little something more - that something you think, if you have, will be your little panacea to all your little troubles. Think I was born with one thing in my head -'Ooh i need to be the best. Life isn'tworth living otherwise'. Whereever I go. Whatever I do. Be it a math problem or a mission to Mars.
Course, didn't strike me then that it wasn't sustainable. Didn't strike me later when it should've struck me. Don't get me wrong - I still believe in the pursuit of excellence. However, this I'm saying from a 'locus of identity' point of view. Its about defining yourself. Oftentimes through the years, I'd think 'My life would be soo made if only..'. Just typing it still makes me think of twenty different outcomes I'd love to have filled out there. There is (I hope) just one small difference between then and now. I'd love a hundred different things tomorrow - sure. But they don't change who I fundamentally am. Having that one little thing that would 'make my life' is an 'elusive illusion'. I can try all I want to get it - its still an 'illusion' of happiness that I'm lusting after. If I'm not happy today, chances are I won't be once I get that magical something either - there would be a 'magical-er' something then.
Now I'd love to go into what happiness is and what life is for - but I digress. Point of this post actually being (yes, there was one :D): The sooner your identity and your self-worth is tied to your principles and the 'person' that you are - the sooner you actually have fun chasing your own elusive illusion :) - having 'fun' being the key.

The Year that was..

Well I'm back; writing for the first time in atleast a year! What prompted this? Well, I was reading my own posts, and I suddenly realised this year has probably been the most definitive.

From the girl who was easily the snootiest in school to someone who didn't give a rat's ass in her under graduation to now - Its been long, hard and Phew!!

One minute I'm in a cozy complacent world, in the comfort of my own (large!) bedroom with food cooked and hot, where my biggest worry was 'Did i get enough sleep last night?' and the next, well, I'm in a room where I'm guaranteed to run into myself if I turn too quickly, with no food, getting thinner (Yes, thinner, If that was possible ;)), and well, getting enough sleep has taken the 2nd place (it still ranks very high, rest be assured) to "Oh my God, I have 'career' prospects to worry about, 'distinctions' to worry about, 'work experience' to worry about".

In One Year, I've had to deal with a new country, new weather, new food, new people, new friends, new course, new degree, new benchmarks - well, a new world to be short - one thats far far away from home. I'd be lying, more than lying if I said it was easy - in fact, it sucks! I've had to deal with 'loneliness' and boy, was that new :P. Sitting here, recounting the number of times I got lost in this place, the number of times I've just been so stressed about how I was scared if I could even cope - as if dealing with finance at LSE wasn't bad enough, I had to worry about where 'in' finance I wanted to be 'after' my course (at the beginning of the course), notwithstanding having to have an opinion about everything on the news - right from the 'economic policies of the election candidates' to 'what should be done with the Greek debt crisis' to 'What the hell has happened to Goldman'. Its actually driving me nuts to think I've lived through those times.

But, now I look back and well, I'm glad and I'm happy. Did I love it? No way. Would I have changed a thing? No way. Its probably the best thing that could've happened to me. I've learnt to live - alone. I've been forced to grow up. Forced to think of life differently. Maybe learnt, just a little bit that I shouldn't take it all so seriously. Forced to acknowledge that there isn't necessarily a middle path, there isn't a 'risk-free' alternative. I know life is full of risks - might as well suck it up and decrease the degree of risk aversion - acknowledge that things can fuck up - and hope like hell for a higher return ;).

A Beautiful(?) day!

I just feel like a mindless ramble so no agenda this time..
I woke up thinking it was going to the perfect day! Bunked college, bunked the internship. A day for me, me-time...
And sure enough, got off to a great start...the whole house to myself, Roger Waters to cheer me up.. So after loafing around and day-dreaming, I decided to head to the library. Oh wait, before that a piece of advice for any potential renovators : Do NOT live out of three or more houses..you never will find anything where it ought to be..Tees in one house, pants in another and books in some other cranny..and shoes are the biggest problem! Try as you may, you never will be able to get the one you thought would go with your clothes!! Now I'm digressing.. Anyways after consolidating ( now you would understand the importance of the word) my books, I set off, wearing my favourite off-white pants. Ipod in my ear and a spring in my step, I decided to walk the distance. Superb morning, until now. It takes a certain knack, and swedish precision for a driver to actually find the smallest pothole(one thats doing its damndest to go unnoticed) and run over it, ensuring that the little dirty, bacteria-ridden water splashes all over the lone pedestrian on the road. Talk about timing. So after damning him to hell for the rest of eternity, I trudged back home. After disinfecting myself to a satisfactory degree, i set off again, determined to still have a great day. Wiser this time, i decide that the auto is the way to go! Our chennai auto-drivers need no introductions vis-a-vis their money extracting skills. So i walk up confidently, rapidly belt out the destination and the money i'm willing to pay along with it, all in one breath. I guess he figured from my tone that i wouldn't budge on any count and readily agreed! Amazed at my bargaining capacity ( or whatever it is that i did), i got in, already imagining the books i was going to read. Little did i know that my friend here would wreak his vengeance upon me by jarring my bones to death. Having played a match the previous day after a long long time, i'd pretty much sprained every muscle that i knew of ( the ones i didn't know of as well!). The dear man decided to remind me of my state at every instant possible, taking me through a roller-coaster ride, not to mention squeezing through lanes where i thought even i wouldn't fit, much less an entire vehicle. Well, he sure got me there fast. Dazed, i paid up, vowing that the next time around i'd pay even 50 bucks more to not repeat that experience. Ah the library..bliss at last?? no no no. Today of all days, the librarian decided that i was the historical romance types and wouldn't stop shoving those kind of books down my throat (don't get me wrong, i do enjoy the occasional cute well-written love story but Giant-Big-man weilding a sword and the little petite dumb brainless chick who worships him and needs to be protected by his Mightiness!! seriously???) . After telling him a gazillion times that i don't really fancy the type, i managed to wriggle out with the types that i do like! Whew..
Oops my friend has come home and i'm not one to continue with broken string of thought..so i'll leave you all here..
Toodles

..And life goes on

For all those who weren't part of the rat race (or must I say CAT race), the results were out today. And no surprises there; missed out on those elusive IIM calls by a few marks here and there. Sadly, the closer you get to it, the harder it is to digest the miss; especially when you know that 2 measly mis-calculations will set you back by something like 10 marks and more often than not, that is the difference between a great score and an average one!
And I quite honestly was dreading this day, expecting a long depressing lull in my life, where I suddenly realise that I'm good-for-nothing and a miss in this exam is akin to being a failure and a second-grade citizen in life. But amazingly I seem to have taken it awfully well (and believe me, I think someone has taken over my mind today).
And quite on the contrary, I'm quite filled with indignance. I just don't believe that an exam can define who I become ( though it will define it for those who do clear it!). And suddenly I feel like I just got swept into the much hated (by me) 'mob mentality'. I really don't have a clear idea of what an MBA even entails, so all that I've done is gone by 'tags' and hearsay. Maybe this is my chance to step back, re-evaluate my options, find my passion ( and i'm a great believer of doing what consumes you completely, to the point of obsession) . So this is probably a blessing in disguise!And last but not the least, I'm still a smart person, and so are all those who missed out in this exam, irrespective of what the numbers and rankings say!

The Mean Split

Well, I just logged back in to check out this blog and I suddenly realised that I was coming across as a complete little Miss. Goody Two Shoes. And let me assure you that anyone who even half knows me will stumble all over themselves to assure you of the contrary! So lets analyse what goes through my bitchy mind shall we?

Lets start off with my not-so-old learning-to-drive experience. Up until today, I thought the losers sitting in those cars were all extremely lucky to actually reach wherever they wanted with the luxury of an AC and not to mention speed! So, as a true walker-on-the-road, I never stuck to pavements. Please, you would think the least those drivers could do was to slow down a bit when they see 'me' walking! And I was happy with my rationale, for a long long time.

And then i learnt to drive! Now suddenly my rose-tinted glasses are off and i hate those jay-walkers (read as 'myself a few months ago'). I feel like 'Gee Nive, you really need to dash one of those over-confident strutters; just teach them a small little lesson! Don't they realise that i actually have to go down a gear or two just to facilitate their meandering! Talk about walking like you own the world. Why can't they stick to those elevated curbs where they belong!!'

Whoa!! Now all i can think of and pray for is that i don't run into a Driver-me when I'm walker-me!!!